Ivan Presents...

Friday, December 29, 2006

Comin’ Up in 2k7…and then some…

The power situation is going to get worse. Despite the fact that the rains have fallen relentlessly, experts suggest that the situation is getting a little direr… (MSWord claims there is no such thing as “more dire”, this coming from a dude that dropped out of Uni. And learnt all he needed from a garage) Turns out that the levels are not going up at the dam, the walls are sinking thereby causing an illusion that we are doing well.

Transport costs will go down…no, up. According to legendary transport expert Pkay, borrowing (heavily?) from Adam Smith (not to be confused with Adam ne Kawa), the rains will be replaced by blizzards and oil thereby wiping away most of the CHOGM influenced Road Works.
In effect, canoes will have to be brought in from Kenya seeing as the few boda boda guys that could handle such conditions have since drowned in the floods.

Straka’s weight is not going anywhere. This year might be the one when the earth, wait, this just in, ITS GOING UP. According to noted “weight gain related to rain” expert, more rains mean more food, more food leading to more weight. Quoting him, “more rain is directly proportional to weight gain especially if the constant of proportionality K (heh) is Straka…codename: Straka Baby!” We also have reason to believe that more rain means a slight hike in bedroom activity…

Sadly, this will not be the year Amarula family finds their “funny”… As long as we have the same president, their “jokes” will continue to torment us…translation, your kids will suffer the same fate as you…They might survive Saggy…Those of you without children can remedy this by ceasing to perform Amarula Family “things” in an attempt at courtship…Chics dig funny guys. When a chic says she feels Amarula, she means THE DRINK! (eh, Ernest?!)

This just in WBS has upgraded their service. Now when you tune in, you get a friendly message in TV-Safe colors asking you to “adjust your aerial for a clearer image” <-actual size. Nation TV on the other hand asks you to adjust your set if you are in a blind spot, such as Kandahar, Kazakhstan, Rouge Discotheque and the Kalerwe taxi when it is still at Clock Tower. Also worth noting, the only way you can get Nation TVs advice is if you are told by a friend that is currently viewing it… (if anyone from Nation TV comes by this, stop with the Ads. If you’re going to introduce us to your staff, give us their vital statistics, ie, age, location and telephone number…short of that DON’T…and no, I am not talking about the guys…) Telecom companies will keep offering us services have us ask for more..ie more efficiency! I need to be able to send a message instantly without losing my fingerprints in an attempt to resend the damn thing. I also need to be assured that the message (asking someone to “call me back NOW, coz I’m in Jail” will be delivered NOW…not after the SMS machine comes back from its little encounter/tryst with the coffee machine. I also need to be assured that Yello Sunshine is not something we are expected to enjoy while awaiting calls to get thru to us…Yes MTN, this beef is all about you! I will desist from dissin.other networks, coz I’m a little warid...worried. We will have strikes at the University, whether they’ll be instigated by lecturers or students remains to be seen seeing as we honestly can’t make any distinction at the moment. The areas that are not affected by the great Floods will soon be affected and as such you are advised to coat your stuff in plastic stuff. Especially your power supply. Yeah, coz we need that electricity don’t we…. Happy New Year y’all!
Brought forth by The 0ne at 12/29/2006 03:48:00 PM 7 Messages Inspired By This Post

Thursday, December 28, 2006

So ends another one...

We’ve come quite far you and I.
I don’t know you well enough to speak from your point of view
so I’ll stick to mine.

As I look back I can’t help but think, what do I have to show for the year gone by…the radio promotion wherein listener’s were invited to find a road with no potholes? Straka’s ability to maintain her weight…and still be shown full frame on telly? Nope.

This one time my cousin had gone to buy a DVD writer/burner. I’d told him he could get one for 90k, and he took this knowledge with him to the shop. The sales guy there on the other hand had other plans and insisted that there was no way in heck that a product of such capabilities could go for such a price. So he quoted 160k. My cousin called me up and we went to another shop (next door actually) and we got a flippin’ writer for 90k. When we went back and berated the dude at the other shop, he took it, looked it over and as he handed it back he goes like, “good price”. I’m lookin at this dude and thinkin’ “What the heck man?” Good price? That’s your line of defense. Put up a fight…accuse us of spinning a yarn. Don’t GOOD PRICE us. Surely you’ve got a little more creativity up there…no? Shit, fine, I’ll let that go…

Some other time I was listening to the radio, coz it’s like, the sort of thing you do while at work. Anywho, these guys are discussing parental love and the bonds they share with their offspring. (in some far off country the presenters are going into serious issues that require listeners to call in and make like goat noises… more on that in a bit) Anywho, so this dude calls in and remarks, “Mother’s make good lovers…” albeit unannounced I’m sure there were several accidents that occurred right about then…so a presenter inquires (his major contribution to radio thus far) “eh, you man, what are talking about?”…and the dude replies, “Mother’s can love their kids a lot…”No shit?!

Radio is a tricky biz, I suppose. It can’t be easy to come up with a promo that will get people talking…or making animal sounds. So there was this promo running where a person had to call in and make that sound goats make…when they are like totally conversating and all. That there was kinda lame, even if it meant you got to take the damn thing home for the night Christmas. How do you explain that stuff back home?
- Honey! Kids! I got us a goat.
- That’s wonderful dad, how did you pull it off?
- I reached into my soul, found my inner herbivore and got my goat on…

Taxi fares shot up…actually lots of stuff shot up and for the most part it was explained by falling water levels. It was a bad period for brothels…
-It is usually _______ but because I can’t afford to bathe after that, I have added ______ for bottles of mineral water.

Come to think of it, the crisis made it that much harder to hit on chics in bars and stuff seeing as you couldn’t afford to wine them, dine them and take them home.
It was the year of blogger sightings. And because it was getting out of hand I will not dwell on it…

Ernest released his book, thereby ensuring that we have some Saggy relief…just one thing though, MORE PAGES man! Or keep Saggy away from society…

I’m hungry, I’ll get back to y’all later.
Brought forth by The 0ne at 12/28/2006 09:17:00 PM 1 Messages Inspired By This Post

Monday, December 25, 2006


Holla at me for details

Brought forth by The 0ne at 12/25/2006 12:27:00 AM 5 Messages Inspired By This Post

Monday, December 04, 2006

She Said Yes

B: ‘sup?

Me: erm, nothing..why, what’s going on? What have you heard?

B: Oh, nuthin’..Just that you’ve been avoiding me…

Me: Whoa! Hang on..

B: Yeah, I know, I’ve already been on her case but we already sorted ourselves out…

Me: No shit?!

B: Shit…see for yourself.

Me: I did actually, just figured she was putting words in your mouth…

B: I have it on good authority from Joshi that that’s not all that was being put in my mouth, hehe..geddit?

Me: Actually, no. Its much too lewd for me to comprehend. So, what do you want?

B: Well, you’ve been feeling way too deep for your own good, I mean,WTF! Man! Who the heck do you think you are?

Me: I can explain that, actually, no. Just go on with the monologue…

B: I feel cheated dawg! I mean, we was rollin’ together in this hizzy fuh shizzy. Peeps done seen us rollin and started hatin...what is up with that? You got me quoting song lyrics dude!

Me: Now that, I can explain.

B: If it’s the song lyrics thing, I know where that’s from. Is it the other thing?

Me: It was the song lyrics actually…go on with your rant.

B: Thanks, so anyway, its like I’m alone these days. Its like I was telling Cherie earlier. Y’all seem to have just come over had your way with me and left. What do I look like, some sort of slut?

Me: Actually…

B: Don’t answer that. It was a rhetorical thing…Rhetorical in its very nature. I’m deep like that. And I know I am sort of loose. I mean, have you seen the number of people that use me. Heck, I have tried to be a little selective, what with all that beta nonsense, but you lot keep on coming…you’re as persistent as a third world politician.

Me: That’s not very specific.

B: I know. Which is really sad. But you know what’s sadder? You! Going around biting people’s writing styles and all, couldn’t you have come up with your own idea?

Me: Its way too much work, the beauty of this is the title. I mean, if you’ve come from her blog, it makes you think…

B: That it does, but don’t you think you’ve stretched this whole thing a bit too much, seriously four hundred something words?

Me: Yeah, I guess it should end here...
Brought forth by The 0ne at 12/04/2006 03:29:00 PM 5 Messages Inspired By This Post

Friday, December 01, 2006


The story continues in a bit. . .
Brought forth by The 0ne at 12/01/2006 11:00:00 AM 2 Messages Inspired By This Post