Ivan Presents...

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Look ma! Its a Tail With No Body

...and similarly, a flick with no plot.

Okay fine, I digress. It had a plot. Hell, the movie's title is the bloody synopsis...Its all down to me. I am naive. I actually believed there's more to the movie than just Snakes On A Plane.


I didn't even get round to watching it till its end coz I figured I got the gist of it...

**SPOILER ALERT**
There's a plane...and there are snakes on it!
**END SPOILER**
The director was on a role...
look at that its a snake descending on a weed smoking couple..On A Plane
Hey, that sleeping fat lady (not to be confused with the Singing Fat Lady) has got a snake going up her dress...on a plane...
Hey, that horny guy is peeing on a snake..on a plane...
There's a trend being followed here, it involves SNAKES...ON A bloody PLANE!!
I would have loved to see some twists in this movie. The absence of the twist (yeah,sure the snakes did twist and turn, very funny Mr. Producer man!) doesn't mean I can actually go to the box office with my mouth foaming (with insults) and ask for a refund.
It's a lost cause!
Me: I mmmwant mmmwy money...
Box Office Attendant: sir, please address me with less foam....
Me: Oh, my bad...hey, your title when abbreviated spells BOA...that's a twist...
BOA: so are you appeased?
Me: er, no...
BOA: what did you expect? The title clearly states that there are Snakes On A Plane...would you have preferred Snakes On A Train? Or Snakes On A Bun?
Me: Your sarcasm is almost intriguing. You've won me over!
BOA: I'm glad, so are you going back to watch the movie?
Me: "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane!
Truth be told I'd have settled for something, anything...like these deleted scenes;
*Camera pans over some guy's head...he is hunched over a snake...he looks up with a sort of scowl..he analyses the snake...
Samuel L "Badass" Jackson:
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
As yet Unknown Dude: This snake..its like the one on my tattoo...if we dissect it through here, he will be able to testify...as per who I am...call me Scowlfilled..man, did I choose the wrong plane to skip the country after my PRISON BREAK. *UGH* It bit me... Its starting to look like there are Snakes On This Plane...
( I had to add that giveaway. the last time I posted some obscure reference only Dante got it)
*Out of nowhere..." Stop that speech...stop it now!" I'm Jack Boa, well not really, but the guy writing this is bent on throwing in some awful puns so bear with me...
Samuel L: How long does this go on...
Jack Boa: In my experience, it never quite goes beyond 24 hours
SamueL L: THAT'S TOO LONG! PEOPLE ARE DYING! Is there a Doctor in the House...
Gregory House: Yes, but I'm too busy studying Grey's Anatomy to be drawn into ER...
There's a loud bang and the plane splits, no, cracks...and then is ripped open...No sign of Superman, he is probably tryin on some new tights...
Some passengers crash on an Island where they are going to be lost but, in good time we discover that they are some of the 4400!
And we know what that means...loads of powers, no snakes in sight and see who makes it to see if the bloody movie has a Last Stand.
Brought forth by The 0ne at 9/21/2006 02:33:00 AM 2 Messages Inspired By This Post

Saturday, September 09, 2006

So I went gymin,right....

It was a simple plan. Go to the gym, work out, come home and black out...It backfired....

***Go to the gym***

I figured I didn't have to dress to impress, I mean, its the bloody gym. Why on earth should I have to. Plus I'm a guy. We really don't care...Most importantly, I stay in some place called KABALAGALA. Does that sound like the kind of place that inspires someone to dress to the nines? No? Didn't think so. Its so bad, even the sluts can't be bothered to look good. They still get customers so I guess no one really cares about impressions in this joint.
I did sandals and Jeans. In my haste...no,I'd be lying. I didn't carry a tracksuit coz somehow I figured I could work out in Jeans...
****Work Out****
This is when it went wrong. I paid up to the lady at the counter/ reception thingy and endured her futile attempts at pronouncing the word discounts; "everytime you want disacounts"
She said the instructor would be with us shortly.We waited for a while before thinkin to ourselves, screw it. This dude is not coming. And so we began to use the machines as we pleased. It was all going smoothly until this finally turned up. I'll call him Tha Fruitty-nator. Kinda like the Terminator, but fruity...
"Who told you to use these machines? Who,who...who?" He spat the words out like they were that meal I had that night...
I politely told him that I tried to wait for him to turn up, but patient though I may be, asking me to wait till next Tuesday for his attention was a stretch...
"Tuesday? What's happening on Tuesday? and what stretchmarks... Okay, now get on that machine"
Dude...I'm already on it...
" I didn't ask you, did I? Now get off that machine and come here..."
So I followed his instructions, coz that's what happens in the gym. You follow a set of instructions with the belief that you will either lose weight or bulk up...or derive some bizarre sexual satisfaction (it was put forward by some Psych. Lecturer back at the university...)
"Okay, now get on that machine!" He barked.
So back I went. And expressed some concern over his order to give him TWENTY...twenty what the last time someone asked for twenty, it was this chic at Al Zawadi and even then I played dumb.
"Twenty minutes!"
Yeah, sure, making me wait for close to two hours wasn't enough...
We kept on with this charade, with him barking at me asking for twenty this and twenty that until six O'clock...then he stepped out oh so daintily out of his itty-bitty closet...It was time for some aerobics...and he was in the zone...yeah I know....you don't just get in the zone, the zone finds you. Details....
I don't know about you, but there's no way I'm going to feel amped listening to a sped up East African song...Oh listen to that...its that jam from years past, but why does it sound different? Why is the artiste rushing so that it sounds like, "Ninannokinikiskiahiimuziki..." I mean, what the hell?
If you are going to get people all psyched, play that I LIKE TO Move it song from Madagascar. Hey, I think I'll play that now. That's a jam right there...is it in English? I think they just said Dem like to move it..
So anywho, the instructor gets really psyched and is screaming out, "1...2...3...3...2...3...two more....one...2...1 more" before you know it, you've done like two hundred and thrity one bits of exercise that see you move back and forth between some board and pulling off some classic 70's dance moves.
This has gone on for quite a bit, and now I must..move it.
Brought forth by The 0ne at 9/09/2006 01:47:00 AM 4 Messages Inspired By This Post

Friday, September 01, 2006

So Long and Thanks for All The Flicks

Cineplex Wilson Road is no more…
Well, that’s what I’ve been led to believe…
No more shall I be able to refer to it fondly as Soweto. I also won’t be able to talk about the wannabe's that chill within…A reliable source told me that all my ranting and my ire is brought on by what she referred to as a case of THE CINEMA EXPERIENCE…

Why don’t YOU tell me…

Cry Me A River...

I went to the cinema to watch THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST and people wailed.
I am well aware that people clap and I will probably write about them, but this was just ridiculous. Someone was screaming out, “They are killing him!” I was thinking…
"no, you’re kidding me."
For crying out loud we had the script. We have all had the script since forever. We know what happened! Why would anyone be surprised that Jesus dies? Did anyone skip Easter?
I mean can anyone blame me for not quite feeling all CINEMA-esque after the movie? I’m walking out and people are all upset…no wait, I mean PISSED and at the brink of asking for a refund because THERE WAS A TWIST. I half expect someone to compare notes with a pal, “Man, did you see that? For a minute I thought HE was actually dead and yet...that Mel Gibson, he can direct a movie…”
Yeah, he can also push a pint and you my friend can also be a tad thick...

The nasty case of The Clap...

There's an STD that shares its name with this and I think somewhere, during the course of your movie experience you will wish this thing upon the idiot that's clapping. How the heck does this work? Oh looky, Spiderman saved the day with his web. I was so NOT expecting that. I will now get up and applaud him for doing such a great job. *CLAP* *CLAP*
What the hell, man? Spidey will not come out of this experience feeling refreshed because you cheered him on. In one swift move you've messed up some dude with a camcorder that was going to make a killing on the black market. The baby being lifted and obscuring his field of vision was forgiveable. You on the other hand are not.

My, Look at the time...

I didn't think I knew people like this until I went in to watch Superman Returns. I really thought ( and I will agree with you if you say I was being naive) that its the sort of thing that someone talks about over a beer to help the conversation flow...so there I am, in the cinema, a little miffed that I have to sit right at the front and feel like the canvas is touching my nose when someone strolls in about 15 minutes after the movie has started. If you watched the movie,you are probably aware that that's like 10 minutes of movie and five minutes of opening credits. So this dude looks at me and is seemingly shocked that I am in the cinema. I wanted to reply his, "You're here!" observation with "No, I mentally projected myself into this seat. this isn't me...its my mind playing games with you, heck let's play solitaire after the movie!" But I was trying to watch the movie...
Then he asked me if he was late. Through gritted teeth I said no...I had to ungrit them after that because I wanted to drink my soda.
5 Minutes later...he turns to me, obviously failing to notice that I was trying to follow this thing..."What did I miss?"
The appropriate response borders on Physical Harm, but I maintained my composure and calmly informed him that Superman had in fact returned while he was away...Guess I killed the movie for him,eh?

And now, your host for this Evening...

If I didn't really do movies there's a gajillion things I would do. I'd watch paint dry on a growing blade of grass or even, dare I say it, chill out. I would NOT, I repeat...NOT carry someone to the cinema and ask them to provide running commentary and breakdown the movie for me. Why would anyone do that...What's the arrangement..." Okay, I will pay for your ticket, but you have to tell me what's happening..."
And sure enough right in the middle of things..." Yeah, so that guy is not really dead. He is, like as if dead as if not...in fact, he is there as if like a dead person that is not dead, its like in that other movie of undead people that were dead, but never seemed to die. Its odd, becuase this actor does that in all his movies...like in part one of this thing where..."

I Christen thee...

I figure someone ought to pull down all the posters that they put up at the cinema... I mean, no one will really pay attention to the actor's/actress' names...they have this other character stuck in there and as a result you seem to have a crossbreed movie..."Yeah, I'm going to watch Taking Lives starring Tomb Raider..." or " Yeah, I think I should watch Fun with Dick and Jane, because Ace Ventura is in it..."



There's loads of stuff that goes down that makes for the Cinema Experience, but I can't help but wonder, should I mourn the passing of Soweto...er, Wilson Road's cinema...

Let he that has not forgotten to switch off their phone, post the first comment...
Brought forth by The 0ne at 9/01/2006 12:38:00 AM 7 Messages Inspired By This Post