Ivan Presents...

Hi there.
I'm your pal.We've met,probably shared a seat in the taxi because the bloody driver has the idea that there's always room for one more...You know me,I'm just any other Ugandan.

Oh wait,that won't scare anyone off from this blog will it? I figure I just scored a few points for our beloved pearl. Sadly we won't see them on CNN or anything,but all those people asking asinine questions in the chatrooms and remarking that I "have exceptional English for a Ugandan" will take a chill pill. I mean, we are Gifted By Nature for crying out loud..Yeah, we may mix our "l's" and "r's"...but that doesn't make us any less Human.

I am not angry. I am actually a little deluded. See, the thing is, i have a test tomorrow, but can't get anything in.I really have tried.And it doesn't help that I do not have any interest in the subject at all...plus the notes I am reading are messing up my eyes..UGH.

So let's examine the whole Gifted By Nature thing...not too much though,I really do have to read...

Our transport sector is gifted..I mean look at the boda bodas,man!That's some gift right there. Wait,don't leave, this is a very serious argument. When you sit on the boda bodas (I may have forgotten to mention this earlier, a boda boda is a motorbike of very very low standards that is used as a means of transportation) there is no chance of the rider trying to place you in an armpit lock the way the taxi conductor does. Its awfully cool.Insane,even. Ofcourse some have suggested that boda boda riders are aspiring to be conductors and as such try to show that they qualify by insisting that you,your friend and the pretty chic standing next to you can all fit on the Boda. Its called the Sandwich,everyone's doing it.

Our Education System...It rocks! And I am not "just" saying this because I realised how easy it is for people to discover who I am. I really do believe that we have a great system going for us. How many other countries will go to the lengths we do to make sure that kids don't cheat (sounds like a poor imitation of Hips Don't Lie)? I mean, we have spies sitting among the students. I really don't know how that happens, guess the students are not "gifted". I don't know about you,but I think I would notice that the dude sitting next to me is not one of us.I mean, after an entire year, you have a rough idea of who your schoolmates are. They are usually the ones in the uniform and without the beard and the bloody Walkie-talkie!

The women...nuff said!

The entertainment industry...I haven't been around much (something someone saw fit to point out when I was applying for a Visa a while back) but I am fairly certain we have a Gifted lot here. Its in the names..No Creature...man,I can't go on typing,I have to stop briefly and look at the screen and scoff..No creature...*five minutes later* I think the artistes may beg to differ. We do not hold them with the high esteem every other celebrity deserves. I mean,it should be such that, you stop in awe, shocked that you are in the presence of (insert suitable name here) but that never happens here...Nope, we will just drive off insulted that (insert the suitable name here again) dared to ask for a ride in our cars just after we had them washed. This one time, I walked right past one,none of that "OHMYGAD!" stuff, I figured he was shooting a video and was not really serious when he was asking me for some money...I think they edited that bit of the video,coz I haven't seen myself in any of his videos.

Our politicians...they,,not all of them you realise...its usually the ones that I haven't met personally...I get biased. I really wish they were more accessible and would not be shy about bribing.Its just money! Oh,right, the politicians that I haven't met..we are gifted with those too, they really do represent the interests of the people...I'm thinking the people are interested in money,and the politicians make this clear. I think our problem is the fact that we are not interested in giving money to those that really need it,its all about US US US..so its not the politicians fault,its really you and I messing ourselves up.

TV...The national broadcaster got a new look recently. Please note, new look does not always translate to cool,but we pulled it off..we are in the league of other national broadcasters in the region.And by the region I mean around lake Victoria...especially to its North.

I really do think this country rocks. Its like, that really rocking thing. Our undoing is the fact that we have somehow convinced ourselves that we deserve better. That we deserve more..more electricity,more money...more recent movies at the cinema..and more time to keep writing this...

The story so far…

Rwandese Guy (definitely a Diplomat) is Caught in the Act with a woman that may or may not be Ugandan but is definitely not his wife and is asked by the Powers that be (that are, without a doubt, Ugandan) to leave the country. On their part, the second lot of Powers that be (whom we are well aware happen to be Rwandese) demand an apology for embarrassing their, er, reprsesentative.

Names have been left out of this piece not because I am trying to protect anyone’s identity, but because I can’t be bothered to look them up and confirm their spellings.

I’m a little curious, what’s the big deal? It can’t be such tedious process to formulate an apology. In fact, the ease with which an apology can be fashioned implies that just about everyone involved in this thing should be able to apologize.

I reckon the guy that was being cheated on should be able to look into the cameras and tell the Ugandan people that he is sorry (there is a back story here). He can not claim he is way too patriotic for that (you really need to check out that back story!).
I think his apology should be along these lines;

“I am sorry I walked in on them. It was wrong. I should have had the courtesy to knock first. What I did was just rude. I certainly hope the trauma I may have induced by walking in is not long term and that we can come out of this experience changed and refreshed. To the people of Ugandan I also offer an apology. You should not have to keep reading about me and my wife…and that guy. I am well aware that the story has relegated other bits of interesting reading such as Besigye’s opinion of the Judges and their kin, Load shedding and Chaps Holidaying On Government Money (I really can’t take credit for that one, its all over the web). I am doing everything I can to push this thing away. Once again, I’m sorry.”

Quite frankly, I realize that the impression you get out of that is that The Rwandese Diplomat (sounds a little like the title of some West African- East African Collaborated flick, doesn’t it?) gets away scot-free…so let’s give him a chance to apologize…

“Uganda…*sigh* May God Uphold Thee! Man, this stuff wasn’t supposed to play out like that. You guys have got to believe me. I mean, you have seen the quality of our babes. They rock! I think it may be something I ate. This is not to say that Ugandan chics are not all that. They are. It’s just that this particular lady may or may not be Ugandan and the whole mystery adds to the appeal. You know the feeling. It’s sort of like when you ride a boda boda (read motorbike). You really don’t want anyone to know you were there, but the curiosity gets the better of you and you throw caution to the wind. To the women of Uganda…I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you before all this happened and now, with the way Uganda seems to have discovered that it too can deport people who may or may not be pursuing a variation of Kyeyo, I may never get round to it. Gifted By Nature though you may be, this lady was a Gift of Nature…”

In all fairness, I suppose we ought to give the lady a chance to look us in the collective face and say sorry…

“Sorry.”

I don’t know about you, but that’s good enough for me.

And in a surprise twist, we have an apology from a party that has been messing us up over and over with no regard to our feelings…until now. Presenting, the Power Company’s Apology.

“Oh man, you guys. We realize our timing was off this time round. Of all the times to let the electricity stay on, wow. Massive blunder back there! And yet, in our defense, we had to throw some light on the situation…Alright, we didn’t have to. We really are sorry. We went ahead to load shed Muyenga (to be honest only three houses in that area were affected by the “blackout”) and leave electricity on in that room. In fact, according to our records the whole country was in fact living in darkness at the time…oh ****, that’s not right… Our apology, that’s not on the record. That was actually part of a Presidential Candidate’s manifesto. Yet again, we would like to ask that you accept our apology. We are committed to improving the way we operate which means, the next time there’s a nationwide blackout, everybody will suffer the wrath…will, er, share the fun that is DARKNESS.”

Suffice to say, it’s very likely these apologies will never make it to the masses because, like I said earlier, Sorry seems to be the hardest word…