Ivan Presents...

Friday, December 29, 2006

Comin’ Up in 2k7…and then some…

The power situation is going to get worse. Despite the fact that the rains have fallen relentlessly, experts suggest that the situation is getting a little direr… (MSWord claims there is no such thing as “more dire”, this coming from a dude that dropped out of Uni. And learnt all he needed from a garage) Turns out that the levels are not going up at the dam, the walls are sinking thereby causing an illusion that we are doing well.

Transport costs will go down…no, up. According to legendary transport expert Pkay, borrowing (heavily?) from Adam Smith (not to be confused with Adam ne Kawa), the rains will be replaced by blizzards and oil thereby wiping away most of the CHOGM influenced Road Works.
In effect, canoes will have to be brought in from Kenya seeing as the few boda boda guys that could handle such conditions have since drowned in the floods.

Straka’s weight is not going anywhere. This year might be the one when the earth, wait, this just in, ITS GOING UP. According to noted “weight gain related to rain” expert, more rains mean more food, more food leading to more weight. Quoting him, “more rain is directly proportional to weight gain especially if the constant of proportionality K (heh) is Straka…codename: Straka Baby!” We also have reason to believe that more rain means a slight hike in bedroom activity…

Sadly, this will not be the year Amarula family finds their “funny”… As long as we have the same president, their “jokes” will continue to torment us…translation, your kids will suffer the same fate as you…They might survive Saggy…Those of you without children can remedy this by ceasing to perform Amarula Family “things” in an attempt at courtship…Chics dig funny guys. When a chic says she feels Amarula, she means THE DRINK! (eh, Ernest?!)

This just in WBS has upgraded their service. Now when you tune in, you get a friendly message in TV-Safe colors asking you to “adjust your aerial for a clearer image” <-actual size. Nation TV on the other hand asks you to adjust your set if you are in a blind spot, such as Kandahar, Kazakhstan, Rouge Discotheque and the Kalerwe taxi when it is still at Clock Tower. Also worth noting, the only way you can get Nation TVs advice is if you are told by a friend that is currently viewing it… (if anyone from Nation TV comes by this, stop with the Ads. If you’re going to introduce us to your staff, give us their vital statistics, ie, age, location and telephone number…short of that DON’T…and no, I am not talking about the guys…) Telecom companies will keep offering us services have us ask for more..ie more efficiency! I need to be able to send a message instantly without losing my fingerprints in an attempt to resend the damn thing. I also need to be assured that the message (asking someone to “call me back NOW, coz I’m in Jail” will be delivered NOW…not after the SMS machine comes back from its little encounter/tryst with the coffee machine. I also need to be assured that Yello Sunshine is not something we are expected to enjoy while awaiting calls to get thru to us…Yes MTN, this beef is all about you! I will desist from dissin.other networks, coz I’m a little warid...worried. We will have strikes at the University, whether they’ll be instigated by lecturers or students remains to be seen seeing as we honestly can’t make any distinction at the moment. The areas that are not affected by the great Floods will soon be affected and as such you are advised to coat your stuff in plastic stuff. Especially your power supply. Yeah, coz we need that electricity don’t we…. Happy New Year y’all!
Brought forth by The 0ne at 12/29/2006 03:48:00 PM


The SMS thing and the coffee machine? Call me back because I'm in jail?

I've missed you. Never, ever take your medication. Just keep writing and free associating forever.

Have an inspired New Year!

6:42 PM  

Just like Ernest u have also bought madness..Happy new year!!

9:27 PM  

Say what you will about NTV, at least their news show is in English. Unlike WBS mbogo-a-minute thing. You can actually watch NTV Tonight with the volume on. I was pleasantly surprised.

12:27 PM  

This post is fun.

And, hey, isn't NTV the new god in town? Everybody is ranting. Yeah, from Umubala, the WBS idiots go into auto-pilot and literally speak Luganda in the English bulletin. If I could ban it!

7:12 PM  

Wats yo obssession with the straka chic???

8:26 PM  

@KC: The Meds messed me up BIG TIME over the New Year. Advice taken,no more meds.

@Joshi: Dude, madness comes free...

@Baz: Well, they do have a sleek Human Resource...

@Comrade #27: NTV is so going to bury WBS...and just about every other station...Soon...

@Cherie: Its called...what's it called when you turn your frustration to an innocent fat bystander

9:59 AM  

the funny thing is i have actually had guys perform Amarula family "things" for me. i now understand that they were attempting courtship

10:46 PM  

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