Ivan Presents...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Is This Goodbye?

B: Didn’t think we’d be doing this again.
Me: Yeah. Me neither. But It’s got to be done, y’know. Otherwise people will start asking questions. Start wondering what happened to us. Why we don’t hang out together much…
B: I know what you mean. We had a good run though, didn’t we?
Me: Yes, that we did. I mean we had a couple of down-times, but we sorted that out…
B: Wait. We had blissful times. I don’t recall any down times.
Me: There was a time you were picky about who would make comments.
B: Oh that, I was undergoing a make-over. You can’t fault me for sumthin like that.
Me: No, I can’t.
B: So this is it then? The end?
Me: well…
B: don’t answer that.
Me: I wasn’t going to. I just like to say “well” a lot. And okkaaaay.
B: Right, so anyway, uh, bye or something...
Me: Bye blogger.
B: Wait, before you leave. Just one question...where are you going to be?
Me: Here
Brought forth by The 0ne at 5/03/2007 04:58:00 PM 10 Messages Inspired By This Post

Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Anopheles Cometh

I have malaria. I realize its starting to look like anyone that mentions the BHH comes down with it, but I assure you its purely coincidental. In fact, I am certain mine was lying dormant way before the BHH announcement came up. The parasites, it would appear, were swimming along grandly in my blood without a care in the world. Then suddenly it happened. They received some sort of higher calling and figured the only way they could make themselves useful was by inflicting pain.

I, on the other hand, was biding my time, hanging with my friends at this little place near home. The locals call it Punchline. I call it convenient. I was having myself a grand old time when I felt what can only be referred to as aches. Its really sad that that's all they can be called seeing as it seems like a gross injustice to them. I was hurting all over. Initially one would figure it was an over zealous hangover manifesting itself before its time (usually 10 or 11 am the morning after), yet this had MALARIA written all over it.

As luck would have it, part of the group I was hanging with also decided it was time to leave this place. From time immemorial, the healing qualities of water have been greatly overstated, maybe it was coz I was getting high, but I figured I'd take some. Its probably psychological, but I felt better.

Better enough to go to work for the better part of the week, until Thursday afternoon when the parasites came knocking again. Not too different from tax collectors these parasites…actually, no, they are a little different. Tax collectors can lay off after a while. These things are too bloody persistent. I'm vaguely reminded of Jehovah's witnesses. I don't know why that is. Is it possible that they have a quality I have alluded to in this paragraph? No matter…

So, Thursday afternoon I was feeling a little down and figured I'd try water again, but the thought left my mind soon as some work was brought in. Unfortunately, the silly parasites stayed on. Waiting…

I went to bed earlier than usual on Thursday and woke up well, earlier than usual, with a splitting headache. A headache so called, I suspect, owing to its tendency to make one feel like one's head is coming apart. Then my eyes started hurting. In one swift move I found myself pulling a Michael Scoffield type glare. I don't know whether its coz I didn't have a tattoo, but nobody seemed to be feeling it.

Anyhow, this is basically where I have been going with this piece. My encounter with the pharmacist. It went something like this…

Me: Hi, I have Malaria and I need something for it (slight pause)…you don't need a prescription or anything, do you?

He: No,...

Me: Cool. Okay, I want either Artemether or Artenam (my software is telling me I spelt something wrong, I don't know if I have the PHD variety of Word installed on this machine)

He: Take Artenam. (pause brought on by his sudden need to show me just how smart he is) because it is Double Therapy...

Me:Huh?

He: Double Therapy...

Me: You do realize I can't understand what you just said, right?

He: (looking at me with what must have been pity) Anyway....

So I walk over to the counter of dispensing and as he hands me the drugs, he proceeds to explain how I'm supposed to take the medicine.

He: So, this just means you take 6 then 2 then 2 then 2

Me: Dude, I know that bit. Its all that talk about Double Therapy...that didn't make sense

He: Oh, double therapy?

Me: Huh? Yeah, that! What does it mean anyway?

He: (trying to look smart) (he failed) Basically it means you will take more pills...

Me: Why didn't you just say so?

He: Now you know, but now I must ask you a question....

At this point I'm turning files over in my brain, thinking, "what the heck do I have to hide?" then Instantaneously it becomes, "Oh snap. He knows..." So it gets a little confusing coz there's a part of me that wants to swear that I didn't say there were weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq and another part is practically perspiring and getting ready to say "I didn't not have any sexual relations with that Lewinsky woman..." I didn't by the way...

He: Where can I get a phone like yours...

Brought forth by The 0ne at 4/22/2007 09:11:00 PM 8 Messages Inspired By This Post

Thursday, April 19, 2007

7 Instances of Randomness

1. Is it possible for someone to get pregnant as a result of someone standing way too close whilst lining up?
2. Do Customer service attendants in various organizations meet up and compare notes on how they messed up someone's day?
3. I'm listening to the radio and that chic that sounds like she's suffering from constipation is telling us to go for the street jam. Is it possible that the guys behind the advert figure there's a section of the public that does in fact feel for this girl and will come forth...
4. I've been rocking the Sandals look for a while and as a way of convincing myself that all is well, I have taken to looking out for people with a similar fashion sense...thus far its dudes riding boda bodas. Roadside preachers are wearing things of this world.
5. Wait a second, some guy outside my office is wearing sandals...he is moving towards a 4 Wheel Drive, He jumps in...he has no fuel, he is flagging a boda boda down...snap!
6. Looks like rain. Wearing sandals sucks
7. I think awesome is a word to describe a situation wherein we are allowed to take Monday off just because Tuesday is a public holiday...Why couldn't this be on a day that actually is awesome?

Brought forth by The 0ne at 4/19/2007 04:22:00 PM 7 Messages Inspired By This Post

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Just Around The Corner


Brought forth by The 0ne at 4/15/2007 01:04:00 PM 9 Messages Inspired By This Post

Saturday, April 14, 2007

er, excuse me Your Excellency...

I can call you that can’t I? The whole your Excellency thing?

I mean, I realize, as you probably have that things are spiraling out of hand. Heck, is it just me or are you in the backseat as well? Gils said there was a mafia type arrangement in the government, but I kinda put that down to being like, you know, the premise for some movie. I mean, Amin had The Last King of Scotland, why shouldn’t you get something?

Anyway, did you see what happened on Thursday? Did anyone tell you? Did you read about it? Well, in case you missed it, I’ll tell you. The shit hit the fan. It wasn’t nice. People died. Oh that’s right. You know about it and you’re blaming it (as has become your modus operandi) on the opposition parties. Dude, we are not buying that. Someone somewhere probably is, because somehow we still have CHOGM and no one is asking you to step down. I suppose all that jazz about being the only one with a vision actually struck a chord somewhere. Then again, maybe you have messed up to the point that no one wants to be in charge of cleaning up. I know how that can get real icky.

So what’s the deal man? Why do we have to choose between sugar and wood. Wood’s nice, sugar is sweet…and that statement is laced with innuendo. Which is a thing we ARTS students can pull off. We are pretty awesome like that, pretty smart even. I am not saying that the Sciences you advocate for are entirely useless. But seriously, face it. There simply isn’t any middle ground with most Science scholars. Its all cause and effect with them. No rationale, no compromise. Its tit for tat, man. Case in point, You give away our land and property, we will strike. Am I getting through to you?

And what’s this shit I’m hearing about how we owe some dude money? For real man, we don’t owe anyone shit. We pay our taxes, the airtime thing pissed us off, but hey, the country needs money doesn’t it? How are we going to get that money? We are not going to go all slutty and sell ourselves to the highest bidder are we? No. That’s because prostitution is illegal. So its taxes for us. Massive electricity bills, increased fares, weird fees at institutions lf learning…the ones you haven’t given away anyway.

I am not bitching or anything, you are, after all is said and done, our leader. There is some question as to how that happened, but the judges say you are so that’s that. You know the judges, the dudes getting hundreds of millions in salaries. Yeah, that’s them. Good Ol’ judges…can’t go wrong with the judges can you. No way…snap, I lost the plot back there… you know what that’s like right?

I do not condone violence either, I’m with you on that one sir. Its not just the wrong way of doing things, its also a painful way of doing things. But you gotta admit, this was a long time coming. You step on a couple of toes and someone is bound to hit back. Usually its Warren or Ken, but you tend to sort that out with some tear gas. Hey, Is that what you mean when you say you’re the only one with vision, coz I gotta admit, that’s smart. I can’t see squat with that gas in the air. It stings…and in case you missed it. It kills.

A pal said this stuff is going to spiral way out of control. On the one hand…no, screw that, it won’t. And I’m sure you also know that, which is probably why you can keep up the haughty I don’t give a fcuk attititude. We don’t see things through. We will bitch and moan about how you’ve done us wrong and all that, but its only temporary. We are weak. I don’t know…is that an achievement? Is this your doing? Nuh, of course not, that’s giving you way too much credit. You had us at Amin was a prick and I am not, so we figured this is as good as it gets….as it got.

Seriously dude, you just have to give in this time. We the people have decided we want our trees. We love them. And I’m sure you too don’t mind the wood deep down. Think about it, when you ask for… nay, when you are doing the obligatory rounds, the campaigns and what not for term number four or five or six (I am not giving you seven terms, a man can only live for so long..actually, I think Mugabe has pulled it off, so has Gadaffi…okay, fine) or seven or eight or nine…no one is going to buy that we love you that much. I mean, I can pretend I’m crazy about you, but I’m not that good an actor. Someone is bound to see through the façade.

I’m scared man. Every time there is a riot, you bring out the big guns, literally. That there is some messed up shit. I can’t hang out anymore…I gather people can’t even pee in the gutter anymore, lest some operative is in camouflage. But, clearly its just hanky dory, absolutely alright for you to take the piss…

I’m not saying this is a you thing. Its an African leader mentality. And its contagious. We are to blame to some extent. We led you on, gave you the impression that we were like, so in love with you. Man we lied. You can’t keep holding that shit against us. We are in a loveless relationship. We want to see other people…you know those election results? Take a hint man.

We

Are

Tired

Of all the drama.

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Brought forth by The 0ne at 4/14/2007 09:13:00 AM 8 Messages Inspired By This Post

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

This Just In

Brought forth by The 0ne at 4/11/2007 05:49:00 PM 8 Messages Inspired By This Post

Monday, March 26, 2007

Stories Untold: The One About Jimmy

Jimmy was the kind of person you’d call ordinary. An ordinary guy forced by circumstances to do extraordinary things. He was not an Adonis on any levels, but he didn’t need to be. He had no feelings of self doubt. He was content. Until he saw her. She was the reason people tried a little more, exerted themselves. And he knew if he was to ever get anywhere, he would have to follow suit. He had to.

A couple of years ago…

His was not the childhood he’d be proud of. Not for him the toys that all his friends had, nor the stories they told in the playing field. He couldn’t pitch in as his friends bragged about the kind of cars their fathers had. The word friends may have been used little liberally, for Jimmy never quite connected with the peers he had.

One may say the important thing was that he did have a father as he grew up. Maybe. But what was a father worth when all he did was take his frustration out on his son? Jimmy told himself the booze made his father do those things. The beatings and all the other things. He may not have been scarred on the outside, but deep down a piece of him died. He knew earlier than he should have that he would not have any kids of his own. Not so much because he had not the capacity, but he was afraid. He was man enough to acknowledge it, he was scared he’d grow up to be the man his father was, or worse.

His mother was, for the most part, in denial. She had seemingly convinced she was getting what she deserved. After all, were not women supposed to grin and bear it through thick and thin? She loved him and it was her love that drove her to an early grave. Not once did her husband, the love of her life come to see her in the hospital in those final moments. He was with his mistress, one of many. So there was no way he could have…or would have known that she took with her, his unborn child. Depending on how one looked at it, maybe the child was spared a fate worse than the death it didn’t deserve.

That day, after the funeral, Jimmy trudged back. The walls in his life had come tumbling down with such weight it paralysed him. He found the door to the house open, daddy was home. He saw clothes on the floor of the sitting room before he saw his father, and his all too willing partner. His father spared him a glance, a couple of words even, “back so soon? Give your old man a few minutes and we’ll go drink this thing away.”

It sounded like he was glad she was gone, like this was going to be a celebratory drink…a victory chug perhaps. Jimmy’s spirit was taking a bigger beating than it deserved, than any 12 year deserved.

He knew his father didn’t deserve to be happy. Not after what he had done to them, and yet, he didn’t know what to do. Something had to give, but what. Then he saw his mother’s pair of scissors.

The following morning he got back from school and found a crowd of people outside the house. His uncle George was outside the house, face frozen in hard to decipher expression. It was angst, but to an extent yet unseen.

The story was, his father in a state of drunken remorse had evaluated his life and figured that without his wife in it, it simply wasn’t a life worth living. He’d died of an overdose.

Everybody felt sorry for Jimmy. Two losses in one sweep were not fair; somehow the twelve year old didn’t seem moved. He’d cried at his mother’s funeral and thereafter, but there was a certain calm about him at his father’s. They called it denial, but it wasn’t.
As he watched his father’s coffin get lowered into the grave a faint smile played on his lips, “this is for you mother”.


His uncle had dumped him in a seminary. Said it was for the better. It didn’t matter. And for a while it felt perfect, he felt like he belonged. Then he gave in to the pleasures of the world and was asked to leave… he didn’t fret about it. It was well worth it.

He’d discovered during the workshop sessions that he had a knack for fixing things and Sister Anne Rose had told him that he had a gift. She told him he would go far if he honed his talent. She also told him he could work magic with his fingers. This part she had added after class and with a cryptic smile on her face.

Soon after he’d left the seminary, he found work as a mechanic, and it was while there that he saw her.

Her name was Sophia and she radiated a beauty that was enough to make a man kill. And yet her eyes told a story, a story he’d seen in his mother’s eyes so many years ago.

He followed her home once, hoping he’d speak to her, even for a minute, but that never happened. As he worked up his courage he saw a car drive up. It was an expensive Golf. The kind you’d sell and buy two more expensive cars and still have enough left over for fuel…and then some.

The golf looked familiar. Jimmy had seen it parked outside some girls' hostel near his home. The owner was some guy called George. Then it hit him. And with such force he felt his guts churn. He left.

A few days later he had to deliver Sophia’s car. He figured it was a sign of some sort. God wanted him to make things right for this creature. He would tell her about her husband’s ways. It was his mission, to make it all go away. He parked the car in the drive way, and then, suddenly, got cold feet. As he handed over the keys to the goddess that haunted his dreams he realised it was not meant to be. For the second time he left.

Yet this time round he felt like something was calling out to him, calling him back. Feet of lead he dragged himself back. Then there was a loud bang…repeated a number of times. Jimmy’s closed his eyes in prayer for what may have been an eternity. Jimmy approached the driveway and the scene that greeted his eyes made his insides roll. It was ghastly. He wanted to run away…call the cops, do the right thing, but he stood rooted to the spot. Sophia was not here, and all at once the realization hit him. She knew. God had somehow opened her eyes to her husband’s infidelity. He looked at the body in front of him and had a brief flashback of that moment years ago when he emptied the pills into his father’s wine bottle.

He realized he couldn’t judge Sophia. Oddly he wanted her more. He felt almost as he had not too long ago when he’d first laid his eyes on Sister Anne Rose’s frame out of her nun’s garb. Sister Hazel had also awakened in him similar feelings.

Jimmy looked at George’s body or what was recognizable and knew what he had to do. Sophia had been wronged and the worthless heap before him deserved what he got. It wouldn’t be fair to put Sophia through a trial for exacting justice.

With a sigh, he looked up and muttered under his breath," this too is for you mother". And with that, started the chain of events that would make it seem that what happened here this day had been an unfortunate accident.
Brought forth by The 0ne at 3/26/2007 10:28:00 AM 10 Messages Inspired By This Post

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Like some sort of ability

I’ve been chatting with a pal…its this thing you do where you sit back and watch as a window seemingly materializes on your screen and words appear. Your hands receive a message from the brain. They respond and they proceed to hack away at the keyboard until the letters come together in a union that makes sense. This union is called a “word”. It’s a beautiful thing this, “word”. So beautiful in fact, some times, these words beget words and before you know it, a cluster of words is in front of you. That’s not to say that words form only on PC…far from it, but the words before you got here that way.

They made their clusters and by gosh, they made sentences. But as is wont to happen, these things grow out of hand and sentences beget sentences and a paragraph is born. The cycle continues… I don’t know how poems work… it’s a whole new ball game there… but one thing is for sure, writing begins with just the one word…the little word that could.

Now ages ago, no one knows how far back and honestly, no one really cares, people discovered words. It was a gigantic leap from playing drums and thumping chests which, as you can imagine had all sorts of complications springing forth, like asthma and Hip Hop. So words were discovered and they were strung together to form sentences and stories and subpoenas. They were also put together to form what people call scripts, but hardly ever use because words don’t look pretty without repeat appearances by the letter “R”…come to think of it, words don’t sound pretty with repeated rrrrs.

As words came together some people looked on and tried to understand what the deal was. Because this was tideous,they settled for the spot on the couch or bench or whatever and read the words put together by others. We shall call these readers. Its only fair, they also call us names.

Those with abilities to marry words to beget families were few and far between. They were, as the French would say, scarce. The French say a lot of things and that is a fact that can not be disputed. SO anyway, these writers did their thing and the readers looked on from the side lines, some content, some with disdain and some with a strong conviction that they too could write.

Then suddenly something went awry, writing ceased to be a thing that only the brainy sorts would do…sure they still did it and we suffer through their bloody textbooks and pamphlets, but nonetheless the realization dawned. Writing was something that could be done. All one had to do was try. And try many did…and fail, but try nonetheless and they certainly deserve some sort of credit for trying, though it would have been way better if he’d in fact gotten posted to Sudan.

Curiously, some that could, didn’t bother trying. It would seem like “coming out”. And no one wants that…no. But those that did seldom had regrets, the few that did, well they got over them.

Life goes on and with each passing day someone else discovers that (s)he can actually put words together…whether these are words shared is an entirely different issue. And also with each passing day, others discover that they too can fashion statements…statements damning those that put their thoughts down, put their opinions out there.
We are writers and, like it or not, we do the write thing.
Brought forth by The 0ne at 3/22/2007 11:24:00 PM 7 Messages Inspired By This Post

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A state of contemplative repose : The Text

Dennis is jealous. I am not. . .and yet, its a better place to be. For right now, I am confused. A little. Some things you just can't explain. Like taxi park incidents.

Take for instance, those times you are in your taxi, minding your business and this dude tries to break the window so he can sell you a watch. Seriously now, if you're going to inflict some sort of damage, offer me something I could use. Like an English-Luganda dictionary. That way I can hurl obscenities at the taxi conductor,erm, person when he inflates my fare like he thinks I'm a CHOGM delegate.

Or the times there's a dude going around selling stuff like combs, earrings and all that when suddenly, he looks at you and all of a sudden he is selling toothpaste and drugs to enhance your manhood... WHAT IS UP with that? I know I am not alone. This **** happens to everyone. Its like the gods look down and think, heh, look at that dude, let's have some fun with him.

I might have lied at some point. . . I could be jealous..I may not care to actually acknowledge it coz that's what I do. I chill and refuse to acknowledge stuff and watch as stuff goes by...

... I'll be mildly preoccupied, thinking of nothing else when I'm hangin out...I'll look for some sort of distraction, but that won't work. And even if I did feel something, and i just might...I'll never tell....I am The 0ne

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Brought forth by The 0ne at 3/21/2007 04:18:00 PM 5 Messages Inspired By This Post

Monday, March 19, 2007

In a state of Contemplative Repose

I didn't break my promise, yours is coming up soon...
Brought forth by The 0ne at 3/19/2007 07:47:00 PM 13 Messages Inspired By This Post

Friday, March 16, 2007

Its just wAtEr!

First off I’d like to point one simple fact. I HATE DRINKING WATER!
I honestly think that stuff has a taste. And that taste is NOT.NICE! I don’t look down on people that drink it. And I certainly have no problem with fish doing their thing in it. I just can’t stand it. And yet, this post is not influenced AT ALL by the Hydro-Hater in me.

What’s the deal with trying to make water appealing? Its just water! Nobody has discovered some new variety of water. Yeah, there was the whole mineral water fad and what not, but come on people, we are not in Hollweird. We know better than that.

Pure Spring water? Are you kidding me? How the heck is it pure? Oh, I know….Its coz its got no visible impurities right? Springs are the new clean. Man, I was way off. Let’s do adverts…

“ What you are about to see is different. No one, since the dawn of time has witnessed this. This is the beginning…the commencement. The start. The real real thing. So real I have repeated myself. But hush, here it is now. Look at that, It’s the birth of a new Spring. And we, the wonderful folks at Hydro Industries are going to trap the little tyke, subject it to tests in our noisy industry and trap it in a bottle…just for you.”

While we are at it, we might as well plug this one,

“Howdy y’all. Err’one’s talkin’ about Grillz and s**t but that’s not what you want. No way homie. What you need all that metal and shit in your mouth for? Get this, we’re gonna get these precious stones things and wash em with water and then we will pack em in a bottle for you. We’re gonna call that Mineral water, cuz itf off ‘a minerals, you dig? Mineral water! Are y’all pickin up what I’m putting down?’ It’s the h to tha 2 awww DAWG!

to be continued...
Brought forth by The 0ne at 3/16/2007 06:22:00 PM 13 Messages Inspired By This Post

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The 70's Called, They Want All Their Hair Back

Hi, I’m (name). It’s a little useless keeping my name out of it, but anyway…

I’ve taken to growing hair, mine. No fields being watered or any of that. The hair sits up their without a care in the world. Everything is fine until someone approaches me and asks me to justify the whole hair thing.

I met a friend the other day who told me I was “lost”. I told him I’d been busy and sick. So he looks at me with an expression that suggested that he knew where I was coming from. When he spoke, it was soon apparent that looks lie… “ah, you were sick? I can see, that’s why your hair has grown…” I politely pointed out that I’d let my hair do its own thing in an attempt to piss off people…Then he nodded. Yep, he understood how that worked. What I don’t get is the whole “sickness=hair growth” formula that he advanced.

I used to cut my hair like every week, not because I got a kick out of feeling the machine pressed against my head, a scenario I’m almost sure has been considered as the sole premise of several porn flicks. I actually used to get the weekly haircut because, after a week, the follicles on my head woke up from some sort of comatose and made every effort to stand out. I also used to get the said cut because my elder brothers used to do the same thing and it actually seemed cool.

Fast forward to a few years later, about three weeks ago actually, I skipped the haircut and then got this incredible idea. I’d do away with the haircut until such a time that things started to work out for me. It didn’t really seem like a bad idea coz I was realistic with my expectations. It’s not like I said my barber’s electric shaver would be denied rights unknown until the country got a new president. The way it should work out, my hair will be cut in about two months…or three. Who knows?

However there’s a snag, during the initial growth of hair period I’d look at it in the mirror and think, “What am I doing? That is way too much hair to be carrying around in public!” Then again I’d seen more on other people’s heads and it kind of put me in some odd comfort zone…a little place I like to call denial.

I met a friend who asked me what the deal was, and pointed out (sincerely?) that not everyone can grow an afro and look good. His exact words may have been, “Whoa! Afros were not meant for everyone!” It’s actually the same mindset that put me off the whole gym experience. I recall writhing on the ground trying to realign the muscles in my body with the sheer power of thought when I had a light bulb moment. A voice in my head cried out, “The Gym is not meant for everyone!

This time round I decided that the defeatist attitude would have to take a back seat. Then one morning after taking a bath, I ran my hand through my hair. It felt…wrong. I actually felt good playing with my hair so it only made sense that I offered anyone that felt like it the chance to play with it, provided they brought it back home before dark.

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Brought forth by The 0ne at 3/11/2007 05:48:00 PM 9 Messages Inspired By This Post

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Comin' Up...


Brought forth by The 0ne at 3/08/2007 07:29:00 PM 3 Messages Inspired By This Post

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Boda-Line Crazy

cRick HERE!

First, head here to better acquaint yourself with the term BODA. No, wait; your connection might be as pathetic as mine, so I’ll tell ya.

Boda-Boda; A motorbike…or the crazy dude that rides the said bike. Yes, they have come to accept that ours will never be a long-term-relationship so names will play no part in the present or not so distant future. In the unlikely event that they do in fact turn up in your life for a second or subsequent time, they will refer to you as; Chief, Boss, Sister, Master, Customer or Ernest.

The boda dude is a shy creature when he decides to be. He will not demand that you pay him his dues, but rather will let you disembark and then turn away in that incredibly infuriating manner that will make you want to yank HIS HELMET OFF HIS HEAD AND HIT HIM WITH IT AS YOU SCREAM, “TAKE YOUR MONEY AND RUN HOMIE! I WILL NOT BE SEEN CONSORTING WITH YOU! BE GONE, HOMIE!”

From time to time boda guys may be in the profession because they failed to make it in others…nay, scratch that, its because their desired professions are not available. Jobs like Stunt Rider or Crazy Dude On Bike are in short supply and as such the individual has to make do with what’s available and then proceed through Traffic trying to be like Trinity from The Matrix Reloaded. Given that this dude is nothing AT ALL like Trinity, this scenario can only end in one of two ways;

a) You fall, roll a couple of times and as you bleed profusely and realize that the reason you can not feel your fingers is because they are broken, the boda boda guy comes over, unscathed (this guy has a knack for survival, how he does it is beyond me) and says, “Sorry chief, but you should have held onto me…”
Words unsaid;

By the boda boda dude;
i) ….as a new ability manifested itself in me and enabled me to fly to safety
ii) … as I pressed this button that makes the seat spring upwards in a very non-threatening fashion and ensures I land safely

By you;
i) F**K YOU!!!
ii) Don’t worry about it my good man. I do enjoy a good tumble now and again

b) You in fact get to your destination safely with a couple of hairs standing at end contemplating leaving you for good. Then the boda boda guy looks at you, smiles and says, “You know what I like about you…you do not fear SPEED!
…yeah, sure, I love speed, that dark patch on my pants, yeah it’s the way they get. Its part of the new Marks & Spencer line; its called Pissed Off. Catchy ain’t it?

The boda boda guy gets lonely once in a while and will employ a remarkable technic to get himself some. He will start off by politely asking you to hold him around the waist and sing SWEETHEART like you’re Mariah Carey. You will reciprocate by politely asking him to sod off. He will shrug this off and gun (heh) his engine and employ the hic-cup manouver of CLUTCH ME TIGHT-ness wherein he keeps jerking (it sounds bad already doesn’t it) and riding in a move that will have you, well, Clutch him tightly for safety. I could be wrong, maybe its what rocks your boat….some people love chains, trains, oxygen deprivation, heck, even snakes on planes. But not you. You absolutely love boda boda jerks!

Boda-boda guys have no life expectancy, in fact, they expect nothing from life and will end it first chance that they get.
Brought forth by The 0ne at 3/01/2007 04:45:00 PM 6 Messages Inspired By This Post

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Two cents, anyone?

Dunno about you guys, but I have had it up to here with Kampala night spots. I'm "proper" tired of all these teenagers dressed like they came from some new G-Unit video...with no fashion consultant...I mean, seriously people, I should not be able to see my reflection in / on the surface of those jeans. Its ridiculous.

Plus, I don't like the fact that I can't do squat about some kid pouring my drink coz its (the kid in question) is high on some cheap brew...and his inability to give me a good reason to let him off the hook. The following words do not, I repeat, NOT console me at all, " Be easy!"
WTF? Be easy? Dude, do you know what I had to do to get this drink? For all you care I gathered my life savings, or the money I had borrowed to place bets on racing sea horse and used it on that drink..and now you want me to BE EASY? Anywho, lesson learnt, next time I save up, I'm buying a pistol, yeah, tell me to er, BE EASY then.

Then it feels like a bizarre flash back when I head on out. I'm not saying I don't appreciate seeing old faces...well, young exuberant,naive faces are in, but hey...details,right? As I was saying, i don't mind seeing peeps from my past...I just don't like that they seem to remember me as the guy that bought them beers. Go on, give me a break. Seriously, i didn't buy you vanilla flavoured water back then, no way am I going to buy you yeast and barley now. and don't say I OWE you. If you didn't take the fall, or give me your notes back in school...LET ME BE...

And I don't see any reason why I should answer the "you're lost" remark. Atti I'm lost? Have you been looking for me? Why?

You know what, to avoid all this stuff, I feel strongly ...no...scratch that, I'm for a weekend in Jinja..
Brought forth by The 0ne at 2/21/2007 11:24:00 PM 10 Messages Inspired By This Post