Ivan Presents...

Stay out of the rain.
Realistically speaking, every time you get soaked in the downpour you are in fact taking what little water could be used to generate a unit of electricity. Imagine if you would, what would happen if you stepped aside as the rain fell. Can’t imagine? Me neither, but I reckon the water should be able to embark on some long odyssey that will see it either in some far off land or better yet, the dam…

My recommendations; Stay the heck out of the rain! If the guy on radio says it looks like rain, give him the benefit of the doubt and stay indoors. If you happen to be in a taxi at the moment, then stay put. Granted you may go well past your destination before it stops raining, but it’s a chance we should be prepared to take as patriots…as people that want, nay, NEED electricity!

Q: What if I happen to be outside when it starts raining and there’s no visible shelter?
A: What are you? 12? Carry a phone with radio playing capabilities and listen out for the weather forecast. Should you fail and in fact get drenched in the process, go to the dam and jump off the bridge. That way you will return the water you have accumulated and we as a nation will be one non-patriot less…

Stop drinking water.
If you thought about it, and I’m sure you have countless times before, water tastes bad. The education system is playing with you when it says that water has no taste. Think about it. If you went out hanging with your pals and asked for a shot of transparent Zappa/ Sambucca/ Vodka and they handed you a glass of water instead you’d know! It has a distinct taste! As an aside, you probably know by now that it is not “colorless” either. If it actually had this see-thru quality, you’d never know what hit you when it rained,
“What the? I’m being hit by something, but I can’t see it? What sorcery is this?”

My recommendations; don’t touch bottled water. Do not drink water at all. In the event that you go over to pay someone a visit and for some reason are offered a glass of water, slap them and say you’re a patriotic Ugandan and you’d sooner take a glass of beer before selling out to this great land of ours.

Q: What if I’m done with a meal and I need to wash it down?
A: One word; SALIVA! If you put saliva to task to produce its Curriculum Vitae, you’d find that one of its skills or abilities is washing down food. Look carefully under the line where it unashamedly brags about being featured in a song by Nameless. “I wish I was the saliva in your mouth, so I would always touch your cheeks, ooooooo!” (edit: its actually something about tasting lips)

Don’t bathe.
No doubt you’re thinking this is harsh. It’s not as bad as you imagine. Look at pigs. They don’t bathe and they are so bloody desirable. The same should ring true for you. Plus as a guy you pick up that masculine smell that women in porn flicks love (cummon, you know you’d settle for a porn flick chic any day!). Also as a chic you get to test just how far a guy will go with his love. Screw climbing the highest mountain, will he love you if you don’t bathe?

My recommendations: Don’t bathe!

Q: But how can I go through life in that state?
A: Guess you’ve never had the misfortune of sitting next to a “conductor” in a taxi…

Use loads of Vaseline.
How does this work? Well, it’s actually quite smart. You retain what little water you have in your body right, and you don’t get as thirsty as all those upper-class stiffs strutting around sipping from the Mineral Water Bottles like it’s all the rage or something. Anyway, using Vaseline will also mean that you have no need for water when you need to wash food down. When placed on the tongue properly, Vaseline makes it such that the food glides all the way down the esophagus and the smug saliva is of no use.

My recommendations: It’s usually a good idea to explain why you are carrying a great deal of Vaseline around. Its also a smart plan to move with a member of the opposite sex rather than one of the same sex lest there’s some concern.

Q: Wouldn’t the frequent use of Vaseline make me glow?
A: It depends on how you look at it. Some may even look at you and think you’re quite BRIGHT.