Ivan Presents...

I have malaria. I realize its starting to look like anyone that mentions the BHH comes down with it, but I assure you its purely coincidental. In fact, I am certain mine was lying dormant way before the BHH announcement came up. The parasites, it would appear, were swimming along grandly in my blood without a care in the world. Then suddenly it happened. They received some sort of higher calling and figured the only way they could make themselves useful was by inflicting pain.

I, on the other hand, was biding my time, hanging with my friends at this little place near home. The locals call it Punchline. I call it convenient. I was having myself a grand old time when I felt what can only be referred to as aches. Its really sad that that's all they can be called seeing as it seems like a gross injustice to them. I was hurting all over. Initially one would figure it was an over zealous hangover manifesting itself before its time (usually 10 or 11 am the morning after), yet this had MALARIA written all over it.

As luck would have it, part of the group I was hanging with also decided it was time to leave this place. From time immemorial, the healing qualities of water have been greatly overstated, maybe it was coz I was getting high, but I figured I'd take some. Its probably psychological, but I felt better.

Better enough to go to work for the better part of the week, until Thursday afternoon when the parasites came knocking again. Not too different from tax collectors these parasites…actually, no, they are a little different. Tax collectors can lay off after a while. These things are too bloody persistent. I'm vaguely reminded of Jehovah's witnesses. I don't know why that is. Is it possible that they have a quality I have alluded to in this paragraph? No matter…

So, Thursday afternoon I was feeling a little down and figured I'd try water again, but the thought left my mind soon as some work was brought in. Unfortunately, the silly parasites stayed on. Waiting…

I went to bed earlier than usual on Thursday and woke up well, earlier than usual, with a splitting headache. A headache so called, I suspect, owing to its tendency to make one feel like one's head is coming apart. Then my eyes started hurting. In one swift move I found myself pulling a Michael Scoffield type glare. I don't know whether its coz I didn't have a tattoo, but nobody seemed to be feeling it.

Anyhow, this is basically where I have been going with this piece. My encounter with the pharmacist. It went something like this…

Me: Hi, I have Malaria and I need something for it (slight pause)…you don't need a prescription or anything, do you?

He: No,...

Me: Cool. Okay, I want either Artemether or Artenam (my software is telling me I spelt something wrong, I don't know if I have the PHD variety of Word installed on this machine)

He: Take Artenam. (pause brought on by his sudden need to show me just how smart he is) because it is Double Therapy...

Me:Huh?

He: Double Therapy...

Me: You do realize I can't understand what you just said, right?

He: (looking at me with what must have been pity) Anyway....

So I walk over to the counter of dispensing and as he hands me the drugs, he proceeds to explain how I'm supposed to take the medicine.

He: So, this just means you take 6 then 2 then 2 then 2

Me: Dude, I know that bit. Its all that talk about Double Therapy...that didn't make sense

He: Oh, double therapy?

Me: Huh? Yeah, that! What does it mean anyway?

He: (trying to look smart) (he failed) Basically it means you will take more pills...

Me: Why didn't you just say so?

He: Now you know, but now I must ask you a question....

At this point I'm turning files over in my brain, thinking, "what the heck do I have to hide?" then Instantaneously it becomes, "Oh snap. He knows..." So it gets a little confusing coz there's a part of me that wants to swear that I didn't say there were weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq and another part is practically perspiring and getting ready to say "I didn't not have any sexual relations with that Lewinsky woman..." I didn't by the way...

He: Where can I get a phone like yours...

1. Is it possible for someone to get pregnant as a result of someone standing way too close whilst lining up?
2. Do Customer service attendants in various organizations meet up and compare notes on how they messed up someone's day?
3. I'm listening to the radio and that chic that sounds like she's suffering from constipation is telling us to go for the street jam. Is it possible that the guys behind the advert figure there's a section of the public that does in fact feel for this girl and will come forth...
4. I've been rocking the Sandals look for a while and as a way of convincing myself that all is well, I have taken to looking out for people with a similar fashion sense...thus far its dudes riding boda bodas. Roadside preachers are wearing things of this world.
5. Wait a second, some guy outside my office is wearing sandals...he is moving towards a 4 Wheel Drive, He jumps in...he has no fuel, he is flagging a boda boda down...snap!
6. Looks like rain. Wearing sandals sucks
7. I think awesome is a word to describe a situation wherein we are allowed to take Monday off just because Tuesday is a public holiday...Why couldn't this be on a day that actually is awesome?

I can call you that can’t I? The whole your Excellency thing?

I mean, I realize, as you probably have that things are spiraling out of hand. Heck, is it just me or are you in the backseat as well? Gils said there was a mafia type arrangement in the government, but I kinda put that down to being like, you know, the premise for some movie. I mean, Amin had The Last King of Scotland, why shouldn’t you get something?

Anyway, did you see what happened on Thursday? Did anyone tell you? Did you read about it? Well, in case you missed it, I’ll tell you. The shit hit the fan. It wasn’t nice. People died. Oh that’s right. You know about it and you’re blaming it (as has become your modus operandi) on the opposition parties. Dude, we are not buying that. Someone somewhere probably is, because somehow we still have CHOGM and no one is asking you to step down. I suppose all that jazz about being the only one with a vision actually struck a chord somewhere. Then again, maybe you have messed up to the point that no one wants to be in charge of cleaning up. I know how that can get real icky.

So what’s the deal man? Why do we have to choose between sugar and wood. Wood’s nice, sugar is sweet…and that statement is laced with innuendo. Which is a thing we ARTS students can pull off. We are pretty awesome like that, pretty smart even. I am not saying that the Sciences you advocate for are entirely useless. But seriously, face it. There simply isn’t any middle ground with most Science scholars. Its all cause and effect with them. No rationale, no compromise. Its tit for tat, man. Case in point, You give away our land and property, we will strike. Am I getting through to you?

And what’s this shit I’m hearing about how we owe some dude money? For real man, we don’t owe anyone shit. We pay our taxes, the airtime thing pissed us off, but hey, the country needs money doesn’t it? How are we going to get that money? We are not going to go all slutty and sell ourselves to the highest bidder are we? No. That’s because prostitution is illegal. So its taxes for us. Massive electricity bills, increased fares, weird fees at institutions lf learning…the ones you haven’t given away anyway.

I am not bitching or anything, you are, after all is said and done, our leader. There is some question as to how that happened, but the judges say you are so that’s that. You know the judges, the dudes getting hundreds of millions in salaries. Yeah, that’s them. Good Ol’ judges…can’t go wrong with the judges can you. No way…snap, I lost the plot back there… you know what that’s like right?

I do not condone violence either, I’m with you on that one sir. Its not just the wrong way of doing things, its also a painful way of doing things. But you gotta admit, this was a long time coming. You step on a couple of toes and someone is bound to hit back. Usually its Warren or Ken, but you tend to sort that out with some tear gas. Hey, Is that what you mean when you say you’re the only one with vision, coz I gotta admit, that’s smart. I can’t see squat with that gas in the air. It stings…and in case you missed it. It kills.

A pal said this stuff is going to spiral way out of control. On the one hand…no, screw that, it won’t. And I’m sure you also know that, which is probably why you can keep up the haughty I don’t give a fcuk attititude. We don’t see things through. We will bitch and moan about how you’ve done us wrong and all that, but its only temporary. We are weak. I don’t know…is that an achievement? Is this your doing? Nuh, of course not, that’s giving you way too much credit. You had us at Amin was a prick and I am not, so we figured this is as good as it gets….as it got.

Seriously dude, you just have to give in this time. We the people have decided we want our trees. We love them. And I’m sure you too don’t mind the wood deep down. Think about it, when you ask for… nay, when you are doing the obligatory rounds, the campaigns and what not for term number four or five or six (I am not giving you seven terms, a man can only live for so long..actually, I think Mugabe has pulled it off, so has Gadaffi…okay, fine) or seven or eight or nine…no one is going to buy that we love you that much. I mean, I can pretend I’m crazy about you, but I’m not that good an actor. Someone is bound to see through the façade.

I’m scared man. Every time there is a riot, you bring out the big guns, literally. That there is some messed up shit. I can’t hang out anymore…I gather people can’t even pee in the gutter anymore, lest some operative is in camouflage. But, clearly its just hanky dory, absolutely alright for you to take the piss…

I’m not saying this is a you thing. Its an African leader mentality. And its contagious. We are to blame to some extent. We led you on, gave you the impression that we were like, so in love with you. Man we lied. You can’t keep holding that shit against us. We are in a loveless relationship. We want to see other people…you know those election results? Take a hint man.

We

Are

Tired

Of all the drama.

Labels: Mad as a hippo with a hernia