Ivan Presents...

Friday, January 26, 2007

Last Night The DJ Took My Life

It was a football match. I don't do Football, but my cousin does...my sister too. As it turns out, everyone else does football. Everyone, that is, except me and the Local TV stations. So to play catch up, my relatives opted to listen to the radio. I don't know how it works, but if I were to
hazard a guess, the Presenter sits there, beer in one hand, groundnuts in the other and relays what's happening on the screen in front of him.

From time to time he will also relay what he wishes was happening. It goes a little something like this..

Welcome to this match, we are very happy you are here. You are the reason we live. You and the wonderful sponsor that has brought you this Barclays Premier League Match: Sula's Rolex Emporium! With Sula's Rolex Emporium you can't go wrong. We have Rolex's in all sizes; Big, Small and Medium. We have the Titanic and The Millenium Remix Supercharge Dual band Crossfade Xbox Rolex. Come Over and see ...oh shoot, we missed the part where the players came onto the pitch! ^#*% !! Anyway, it doesn't matter, because you are an avid fan so you know who is playing. Henry is there, look at him looking smug. He makes so much money in a week.

It is so much he should visit Sula's Rolex Emporium; Home to The Third Term Rolex; Even if you don't want it, it will still be there!

Okay, the referee is there now. he is wearing clothes for referees. In fact you can get such clothes from Mama Milly's Hollywood Boutique and Restaurant. Heh. It is located near Sula's..eh, they have started playing, ______ has the ball, he moves with it, I have never seen a ball move so fast. My God, its like I am watching this match on fast forward, I swear! Have you ever seen, oh no, I forgot, you are listening in, but take my word for it. This guy has mad skills, eh eh, wait, sorry, I WAS watching it on Fast Forward.

The all New PVR Decoder from Multichoice allows you to pause, rewind and fast forward the stuff on TV! Yes, my dear listener, You can Pause a match halfway and head over to Sula's Rolex Emporium; Producers of the famous Member of Parliament Rolex: It just sits there and does nothing!

Okay I have unpaused, it looks like it will be a tight match *sip* *crunch crunch*. They are closing in on him. He is running like madman. S***! He is a mad man, he actually ran away from them and left the ball behind. Stupid David Beckham! You are not even worth Half a rolex.that has mayonnaise and fries in it! (at this point I feel compelled to state that the Rolex in question is not a watch, and the only hands it has are yours,wrapped around its dough frame. Its a chapati dwelling omlette with back up! This thing takes prisoners!).

There, he got the ball back, it was his tragedy-er,oops, his strategy.Yeah, strategy, same thing. Now he is running to the goal, he dribbles, look at him dribble, he wipes his mouth, he is about to kick the ball, he is kicking the ball, the ball Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooes! It bounces off the post and hits a fan.

That was a furious kick! It was also fast!

The fan flips a bird, he mouths something unpleasant! he turns to his friends and they pat him on the back for dissing David Beckham, star of such catastrophies as; The World Cup Penalty Shot of that year.

The ref runs over to the ball and gives it a Yellow Card. The stadium boos him and he gives them a Red Card; it says Donate Blood and fight Racism in Soccer. They fall silent.

The match has resumed. Some other player gets the ball. Don't ask me who it is, I don't know. You should have seen it on TV if you wanted details!

The ball moves, it runs, it jumps! Its being kicked around like, like some sort of object. SOMEONE SAVE THAT POOR THING!

You are still tuned in to the Premier League on radio! SWEET! But not as Sweet as the Rolex at Sula's Rolex Emporium in Wandegeya. Home to the Infamous Straka Rolex; This thing is Bigger than you and me!

The Ball has been taken away and, what's this, Medi has just told me 24 Season 6 is on another channel, hang on.... *sound of static*...aha, Medi you idiot ! You tricked me!

Anyway, don't worry my listeners, I had paused my PVR Decoder from Multichoice...Giving you many choices!

The ball has been taken away by a player that doesn't look a day over 12, bah! What do I know, I live in a country where 24 year olds register to play in the Kampala Kids' League..oh oh, gOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLL! This kid is good, he may not even be a kid, but a guy suffering from some age disorder that makes Old People look younger than they are...like Tom Welling. But if you really want to look young the easy way, visit Sula's Rolex Emporium; Makers of the incredible NTV Rolex: Starts off quite well then just makes you lose gas...sorry. I mean hope...it makes you lose hope.

Its half time, but this match hasn't been exciting, so I doubt I will comment on the next half. When we return, I will tell you what I think of animals that speak...
Brought forth by The 0ne at 1/26/2007 04:48:00 PM



Am dyin here!!! Stop it. LMAO

All those rolex sizes???? Ivan?
This advertising for sula...


12:49 PM  

This is by far the funniest thing I have read in a while. To have your mind!

6:52 PM  

now why did u have to diss clark kent like so??dude is superman..

11:47 PM  

i nominated you for best writing in the Uganda Blog Awards. mostly cuz u make me laugh!

and cuz u can get my attention my mentioning rolexes with mayonaise and fries in 'em. do they really make that ish, or did u just make it up (which would make you brilliant in my books)????

7:14 PM  

@Cherie: Sula gave me a complimentary once, so I figured I owed him. Yes, Sula! He of Sula's Rolex Emporium:Originator of the Missed Call Rolex:Now You See It, Now You Don't.

@Darlkom: Its actually based on a true story in some warped universe...

@Joshi: Yeah, sure he is superman. I respect that, but the commentator...man!

@Goddess: Thanks Goddess, I'll try not to let that get to my head. My Head: Source of such great Rolex Ideas like the Mayonnaise thing...

9:27 AM  

Son, when you are on fire you are on fire!

Just like Jay-Z!

2:33 PM  

Baz, quit name dropping.....Mbu just like Jay Z

4:51 PM  

i just finished a penning a two-page story titled A MAN WITH A POINTED PISTOL. now i come here and see that nigga on your blog and i think, "how funny!"

6:22 PM  

dude, those guys on the radio, they are just for world cup...kale for the local league.

Kati, how can i jack that template? can i like steal it and do things to it so it wont look like i stole it from you?

6:56 PM  

@Baz: Jay who?

@Cherie: You came back?!

@CB: I am,how you say, psychic...or psychotic...

@LA: If you actually jacked it, I have this oh so odd feeling that someone may notice that it was borrowed from me...

5:47 PM  

Hilarious..Lemmi go finish RONFL

5:46 PM  

The only hands it has are mine!! Someone emil me some Rolex....

6:15 PM  

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