Ivan Presents...

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Year Ender

Its another of those long articles (bye Carlo) but it made it to the Sunday Monitor and it was a full page (welcome back)...I will get back to proper writing in a bit.

It’s the first day of 2006, and you’re probably in bed wondering what you were thinking when you made those resolutions. There’s also the odd chance that you are reading this on Saturday because you have nothing to contribute in any social gathering. Regardless, let’s look closer at what happened yester year…
Betty Bigombe poses with some rebels as part of the peace process that on top of showing that they have the desire to lay down their arms, aims to show how photogenic army fatigues can make a person. In that one move, Betty thwarts any chances of ever holding the Presidential office. (There’s a law somewhere that says candidates should not appear in photos with anyone in the bush)
MTN goes on with its uncanny ability to coin expressions that will later be repeated under the influence of alcohol. This month it’s Simu Ya Malaavu which incidentally is what a few professionals discern to be a Lipstick coated Nokia 1100…there’s a story going around that a woman left her husband after he failed to explain where the lipstick came from…
In an unrelated incident, Sylvia Awori ends her reign as Miss Uganda’s organizer. There’s widespread shock and a little bit of chagrin from a group of roadside preachers that had taken to rubbishing the event every year.
The word Monologue (surprisingly) starts to enjoy notoriety as the government decides Ugandans should not watch The Vagina Monologues.
UEB is no more and there’s a collective sigh as UMEME takes over. There’s the odd chance this is because we believe that we will watch Michael Jackson Scream in the courtroom.
MTN redeems itself by announcing that it will soon start billing by the second. This is actually bad news for “beepers” because they realize they are fresh out of excuses. It’s adapt or die and some people cross over to networks where they can Beep.Often. The few that fail to adapt turn up as ghosts on the Voters’ Register.
The year sees many people reconsider a career in politics after at least three Politicians mention how there’s “no money in politics”. In what many hope to be an isolated incident the Infamous Underwear and Pen incident take place. There’s a theory being advanced that the only reason this incident took place was to divert Bob Geldof’s attention…
The Fanta bottle is given a new look that many experts liken to a very curvaceous and very short woman made out of glass..
The Get On Board campaign to end poverty by using a bus is underway. An individual opines that he can avoid applying for a Visa by sitting on the bus.
UMEME tries to encourage people to pay their bills with the promise of rewarding them with appliances that will consume even more electricity. It works.
Capital and Simba FM have no intention of Kissing and making up over the latter’s foray into English Radio. Our attention is briefly diverted from Michael Jackson’s case.
UTL realizes that the government has been on phone for quite a while and sues over a bill of shs. 16 billion. No one knows whether the budget will scrap the airtime tax to remedy this…
Someone in government clearly wants to protect the taxpayers from massive phone bills and subsequently the excise duty on airtime is raised by 2%. This inevitably means that conversations will be much shorter and the few that actually take place might have words tightlypackedlikethis.
Numerous people start complaining that the battery life of their phones is being compromised in the wake of shs.50 text messages…MTN’s response? “Whazz Y’ello”
People put acting silly on hold when it emerges that their actions can be captured on phone and sent around…the effect of this is seemingly felt worldwide as Tyson quits boxing…
International Artistes of relative significance decide to treat their fans to free shows in the name of bailing Africa out of poverty. A roadside preacher looks on, shakes his head and remarks that they are leading more people to hell.
BLU3 is involved in Kimansulo…when a streaker runs onto the stage as they are performing (while the ladies are decently clad, I feel compelled to add)
Bebe Cool has a nasty experience when he is “stabbed” in a night club. The wounds he shows as proof of this horrendous experience have an analyst remark that “…it might have been a rubber knife.” immediately triggering theories linking Krazy Joker (a yet to be discovered artiste) to the incident.
Krazy Joker leaves the country paying his fare with fake shs.500 coins.
In an attempt to show that we are as developed as the rest of the world, Hotugandans.com goes online…pictures go around, filling mailboxes with the subject, “Gifted By Nature”.
We strike gold as a nation as Dorcas Inzikuru wins big in Helsinki. The ambiguity in the statement is due to the fact that conflicting reports of the sum she made were given. Its got a massive impact, because in the same month Bobi Wine and Buchaman get saved.
Juliana appears in the papers at least 12 times this month looking good and declaring that she is “Single and unbothered”.
The government is so pleased with the whole Gold thing and as a result offers her a diplomatic passport, a car, a house and education. The Secret to success is thus discovered…If you run like the wind, things will fall into place. The only snag may be the education that is slipped into the package.
For all the good food in the UK (and I say this because that’s what movies lead us to believe) some Ugandan women opt to strike instead. The rationale being that if they get really skinny, they will not be allowed to set foot on any planes out of the UK thereby avoiding deportation.
The TV tax is abolished and a man has a fall out with his wife over the Television set they sold in a bid to escape taxation
I celebrate my birthday on the same day with Gwen Stefani and India.Arie and I consider letting it go without incident.
The Miss Uganda Pageant is back, and this time progresses with the speed of a gold medal winner. It ends as soon as we realize its back on and Juliet Akankwasa takes the title.
Buchaman devises a foolproof way of getting ladies to swarm him by performing, “Lwakyi Temumatira’ which when translated means, “What’s your case Women? Stop Hatin’”
This approach backfires for Mesach Semakula and instead wins him a PAM award which he proceeds to take with him to Sweden to verify its authenticity.
Makerere’s annual Students’ strike takes place and there’s massive looting. In another isolated incident, people seem to be moving around with unusual amounts of airtime on their phones. There’s relative concern when a student pulls out a brand new phone with the screen protector intact and proceeds to call CNN to offer his views on the strike.
Black Tee shirts are the in thing all of sudden and grant the wearer’s super human abilities such as being able to jump out of moving vehicles in the vicinity of the High Court.
Movie buff Pkayzee starts penning a script for a TV show in which; by day certain individuals are police officers and then when disaster strikes, they emerge in Black T-shirts wielding Uzis and speaking in Swahili.

Like many years before it, 2005 ended with December in which Uganda was fined $6- $10 billion for taking some weight off the ground in Congo
Nation’s with far better TV programs withdraw their support prompting the remark that, “..it doesn’t matter, we make far better coffee than they do.”
There’s a brief scare when it reports have it that Ssebagala is standing for Presidential office. The fear is put to rest when it turns out that there was, in fact, a typo on the posters and they were supposed to read “Mayor”.
There’s also some confusion in various political camps when the publicity people do not know whether they should do their jobs or wait for Miria to help them out.
Luzira seems to have a very stringent budget when it comes to advertising its services and relies on the Newspaper for publicity.
In an entirely unrelated incident Besigye gets publicity for a certain prison in a certain third world country, there is some question as to whether he will charge the prison for giving it mileage and use the money to fund his campaign….

Let’s see what 2006 has to offer…
Brought forth by The 0ne at 1/14/2006 01:54:00 AM


you do know how to keep a girl hooked ivan, i give you that! yeah, you'd lost me with the size of this thing so thanx for mentioning me thus giving me more gas than i need to read it and prove that i can read loong thingies.

6:08 PM  

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