Ivan Presents...

You would half expect him to trip and fall in a most gratuitously painful way. He doesn’t. He actually makes it to his cubicle in one piece. Well, as close to one piece as he can manage on this most unfortunate of mornings.

He consoles himself with the knowledge that in here, in his little world, he is safe and the world will not be able to screw him over in here…or will it? It’s a question that goes unanswered because at that moment, that precise moment in a way that is bizarrely similar to the coincidences in movies or clichéd stories, he receives an alert on his computer monitor.

He checks his mail client…navigates to the inbox. Its spam…or at least it looks like spam to anyone that is not interested in improving his prowess between the sheets…

He can’t think straight. He looks over his shoulder the nagging presence of paranoia refuses to leave. He signs into his chat client…They are not supposed to do this sort of thing during office hours. The morning has thus far registered itself as being a bitch, the likelihood that the afternoon will go easy on Cedric is slimmer than a Versace model.

He signs in and hopes that the receptionist will be online. She is nice, that receptionist. Always thoughtful, always smiling…yeah, she has lots of potential for an inter office romance. The connection is made and she is in fact signed in as well.

He is still trying to formulate a statement that will guarantee a meaningful, sensitive overnight relationship involving, among other things, his wanton desire to find her tonsils…

Lady Luck smiles down on Cedric.
The receptionist makes the first move;

Seductive Angel: I’ve been waiting for you!!

Cedric’s heart skips a beat…as it starts to find its rhythm; he punches away at the keys…

Adonis On Steroids: Miss me that much?

He realizes a bit too late that that line is a bit cheesy. He looks around his desk for that print out of pick up lines from last week. As he picks it up and begins to look for a suitable winner, she replies.

Seductive Angel: well, therz sumthng I wanted to tell you. I jst didn’t know how to phrase it.but I’m going to just come right out and say it.

Cedric’s heart does its beat defying stunt again and his hand reaches out for his ringing cellphone and makes it go silent. His eyes want no part of this and they stay firmly fixed on the monitor…Meanwhile there’s a drought in his mouth and saliva is just a rumor that enzymes have been hearing of lately…

Seductive Angel: you look like S**T, what happened to you?

Everything goes back to normal; Fate empties the last round of bullets into Lady Luck and continues dealing with Cedric.

Cedric considers typing back something about her uncanny resemblance to….and that’s where it stops…His mental faculties have gone AWOL. He does the most sensible thing someone in that state can do. He signs out. Its pretty obvious at this point that there’s no work that’s going to be done.
He looks his phone for no reason other than the fact that it has seemingly become one with his hand. There’s a missed call. Its his girlfriend…

Another wave of realization hits home at that moment. It’s her birthday. Ideally he would have called her by now to wish her a happy one. We have since established that this is not an ideal day so we don’t really hold it against him.

He picks up the office line and then replaces it. Calling an external line would mean asking the receptionist (who at this point is registered as THE BITCH in his mind) to dial out.
He needs an excuse to leave work, he needs to come up with a cunning plan. The kind that will have them say his name with reverence…

“Oi, Cedric, you lazy prick! The boss wants to see you in his office, right now…”

He successfully avoids saying something nasty to the bearer of the message as he gets up and walks over to his boss’ office…Before walking in he makes sure the tie is in place.

He knocks and enters the plush office….